Well you probaly seen me in the paper a bit this week and you probaly wondering why Im writing in . Well seeing that you got weddings and a porn business down in Slagheap gave me an idea ( thats it for the month I dont have too many ideas )
Well you know that Im into threesomes and its a bit of a problem keeping it away from Col but well I thought at weddings most of the gals are so pissed up that theyd be up for a bit of fun with a famous footballer . Best of all being so pissed theyd forget who it was and I wouldnt hear no more about it and nor would Col . So hers what I reckon . If I could have a permanent booking on Room 4 , the porn studio , every time you have a wedding I just wait there and leave you to bring up a couple of old slappers , pissed from the wedding .
Since I wont have to pay the gals I reckon I can pass you the dosh what I save say 1200 quid a go . Great plan eh ?
Only problem I can see is like Col is tightening up on the spending money she gives me so I might need to owe you sometimes but lets ahve a chat we can work something out

Wayne

Just returned from holiday and did not realise what all the cafuffle was on Saturday, till I saw the vicker and the chief bridesmade behind the big oats tree, sorry oak tree, then it dawned your first wedding!
Got me thinking, darling, ideal venue for you and I to tie the knot, handy, cheap…guests could use my lavy and save hiring those porto loo type things, all my show biz pals could stay over and we could use room 4 for our honeymoon!
Why don’t you call into the gatehouse and we can discuss!

Love

Pen.

By the way everything went well at the clinic while I was away. No need to worry any longer everything take care of.

X

We indeed have heard good reports about your lovely venue - guests were a little upset about the portaloos particularly as you have 15 toilets in the pile but a small problem . One guest was raving about Room 4 where he sneeked off to with the brides mother for a discreet liason - apparently things were going great until the bride tried to use the same room with one of the waiters ! Sounds a riot !

Anyway we represent Russian brides trying to get into the country by marrying a UK chap - hope you like our name … see it plays on the word Russian - . We thought that as you are so remote down there in Slagheap Valley that your pile would make a great wedding venue . In fact you have good access to all the major transport links to Moscow so I envisage that we could get around 20-30 queueing up at you pile each day . If your local vicar would be prepared to get in on this we could offer him around 1000 pounds for each wedding so around 20000 quid a day . Thats got to be good

As for you old fart I thought we could share the prceeds which would net you around around 100000 quid a day . What do you say . Hope you are up for this . I know you are keen to support free enterprise so Im sure youll come on board

Yours

Slobovch Ramanov MD of BridesRus

ope you had a good bank hols down in the country . Here in Lambeth its like business as usual - couple of stabbings , couple of muggings , the old hoodies causing trouble like and a local dope gang busted . But what I reckon is this mate like round here they reckoned that selling the old council houses and that would make it a beeter place but it aint worked . Like me and my mate Toe cap Kevin well we are the only blokes left in this tower block what are council tenents . Well that aint strictly right I suppose cause out of 120 flats 96 of them are used to put up illegals and that . But see the area aint improved . Perhaps it aint the problem with having millionaires like me and Azil and that in council house . Prhaps the problem is the illegals . Why dont the old politicians ever see like common sense mate

Eric

Since coming back to this beautiful country I have really enjoyed reading your blog - the intellect of the people of this country has clearly gone up since I was here last 17 years ago .

More to the point I am worried now about my application for a council house . I had not realised the rules were changing or I may not have come back . I really need a council house in the Mayfair area and under the great Margaret Thatcher this would have been arranged but now it seems I may have a problem .If the worst come to the worst I gather you have a reasonable sized pile and I wonder if I could move my entourage in with you and Mrs Old Fart while the problem is resolved

Yours

Azil

I am delighted that at last you are coming around to appreciating the lib dem policies which this country has been in desperate need of for so long .

As you say we are rolling back the stupity of the last 13 years . Some of policies that you can expect to see enacted in the coming months include

1 scrapping of ASBOs and the reintroduction of deportation to the colonies . OK I know we havent got any colonies any more but we are thinking that Afganistan might be a good deterent

2 As local people take more control of their towns and villages we are going to reintroduce stocks in prominant public places so that unsavory types can be humiliated .

3 We are going to introduce the 6 day working week and restrict holidays to two weeks a year . OK I know there are no jobs but we are going to open some poor houses for those who dont make the grade and remain unemployed

4 We are going to invest in the railways and reintroduce third class travel . Air travel will be restricted to the aristocrats and MPs , roads will be returned to agriculture and if people want to travel they will do so by train.

5 The X factor will be banned as will everything which celebrates the cult of the celebrity . Austerity is our message . We want people to work hard for mearge wages and to have a sense of respect for those in authority (oh and MPs)

6 Talking of MPs it will remain critical to attract the best talent in this global age ( whatever that means) so will remove all restrictions on MPs expenses , double their wages , and introduce an amazing pension scheme for them .

So you see there is a clear strategy and a bright future for this clapped out country . Hope you like it

Nick (PM in waiting) Part of the Nick and Dave show as seen on the XFactor

I have some sympathy for the gypsies in Meriden who have had their site blockaded . I have just come back to the UK after running out of the money I nicked when I was last her 17 years ago and the same thing has happened to me - I have had the entrance to my mansion in Mayfair blockaded by people who say I ripped them of with my company Polly Peck .

Like the gypsies I will be taking legal action ( I have already applied for legal aid ) in order to ensure that I can get my hands on everything thats not mine . I love it here in the UK . Such a civil country

Yours Asil ( soon to be Lord Asil according to Dave)

You are really in a grumpy mood this week going on about everything but mate I reckon you are on the money and old Nick whatsis name ought to get down to your pile and ere what the ordinary bloke says

Anyroad thought you would be interested - a load of gypos just rocked up in the local park down here in Lambeth . Well mate like the old council reckons they gotta integrate so your old mate Eric got go round and help them get some hanging baskets on their old vans . What the council reckon is if they look like the rest of us then there wont be no bother. Maybe your mates in Meriden could try the same thing mate

All the best

Eric - Hanging Basket Equality Officer Lambeth Borough Council

Your message to Dave regarding bats has been passed to me for attention . As you may know Dave and Samantha had a baby girl today and so they are going to be up to their neck in a different kind of poo than bats poo for a while .

As you point out this country has a unique heritage of red tape . Whilst spending cuts are urgently needed I am afraid that you will not see a lot of change with the jobsworths as they provide valuable jobs and income to this country . Did you know for example that only this week I entertained a delegation from The Undemocratic Republic of the Congo who are interested to see how we manage to control everything from the refuse in Joe Publics bin to the amount of bat poo allowed in ancient buildings . Oh and they were also really interested in the way in which our MPs creamed so much from Joe Public without a word of protest . We are setting up a consultancy arrangement with them which will see our politicians and jobsworths on numerous junkets to Africa and an inflow to our economy of around 50m quid over the next year ( admittedly most of that will go straight into the pockets of those MPs and jobsworths involved but it all helps the economy )

So you see it is not as simple as you suggest in your blog . However Dave asked me to suggest to you that with your IT experience you may like to join one of the delegations to Africa . Might provide a little extra income for you to supplement the porn business and the B&B and will give you a better appreciation of the potential of of our vast army of jobsworths

Regards

Nick ( PM in waiting )