Those who know me well would say that I do not do bureaucracy well. Like most people I struggle to cope with it and bemoan its spreading tentacles. Over the years there have been many calls for some reduction and various so called Govt initiatives to roll back bureaucracy - needless to say to no avail. Small businesses have also claimed for many years to be drowning in red tape that is preventing them from getting on with running the business.
Now I know how they feel. In fact I have had it with bureaucracy. We came here to make it our home and - in order to help pay for its maintenance and continued restoration - to have a limited number of guests and events on the premises. The work of making it into a home was hard and we had some unexpected challenges along the way. But that was OK.
And then the bureaucrats woke up. Planning permissions, premises licence, fire regulations, health and safety regulations etc, etc, etc. The journey has been from tedium to farce to nightmare. I could bore you all with the details but if I do you will probably all lose the will to live. Believe me when I say that it is far worse than anything we envisaged. Once they start there are unlimited numbers of them who crawl out of the woodwork, all with a set of ludicrous regulations to implement, the right to call a halt to your business, all employed in the public sector and enjoying levels of job protection and pensions that most of the population can only dream of.
We were told today by a fire safety advisor that a recent survey had shown that only 42% of those running B & Bs even knew the legal position and that the vast majority were breaking the law. This means that if anything goes wrong you can be sued by the guest and your insurance will not pay out. And even the official website is incorrect.
Oh and Urban Eric down there in Oz might like to know it is snowing heavily here …….
Gooday me old mate back there in snowy blighty
You sound well pissed off with them government blokes mate > Like I wish i could help but I only know a couple of gezzers down the benefits office in Lambeth . I know they like forms and that and mate when I rocked up there a couple of weeks ago and said I was going down under and could they send my dosh down here it was like asking for the earth . But the old boss who wrote on your blog , you know Darling , he got it sorted cause its government policy to get working blokes like me out of the country and replace us with immigrants . Godd plan I reckon .
So all I can say is why dont you come down under mate .Look Ive checked it out and this bloke at the pub reckons that the government want more poms here on holiday . so they need blokes like you to open B&bs .I said well look my mate Old fart is more than just a regular B&B . Like this is porno films , wild life extermination , and now a gentlemens place like that bloke from Playboy . Well now were on mate . A bloke called Rudd called me up for your details so I reckon you will get a call from him . Hes up for putting some dosh into your pile down here . When I told him about all the crap what you have had in Blighty he said no worries - as long as you employ a few local Shielas and dont just bring pommy birds down thats it no crap here
So cheer up mate and see what we can do to get the old pile set up down here .
All the best
Eric (and Shiela)
Dear Old fart
As PM of Australia I was interested to hear from your buddy Eric that you are having a few problems with your business venture in Blighty .
Down here we are keen to develop our economy and have removed all restictions . We are particularly interested in attracting affluent people with IT experience as we see that most of the indiginous population prefer having BBQs and surfing to doing the jobs which are essential to our future . If you have experience of Cobol or Amstrad computers then we really need you .
Eric also mentioned that you are into porno movies . this is a growth area for Australia because wqe have such georgeous babes here most of whom find that the sun makes them incredably frisky . If you would like to invest in our porno industry there are generous grants available including a years supply of tinnies for you and your misses .
I hope you will come downunder and join the fun . Just let me know if you would prefer to help us with our IT sector or our porno industry and i will arrange fore you to be issued with the appropriate visa
Yours
Nigel
My poor Darling, you seem down and in despair with it all! I caught a fleeting glimpse of you as you whisked by in the Jag, you did look drawn and distressed. Do not despair any longer…. I have run a long hot scented bath, lit the candles, chilled the Boli and have Dolly Parton’s Greatest Hits set up on my Dansette! Visit me when Mrs O.F. attends her weekly session with the Social Worker and I will completely de-stress you and return you to that fun loving,thrusting ex IT consultant, you will be rejuvinated and ready to take on these nasty bureaucrats!
Please wear your beige anorak..I find it a complet turn on!
All my Love,
Pen x
Ere Oldfart dont you go gettin all arsy n down in the mouth.Dont go worryin about council busybodies. Or the geezers at Readers Digest and Northern Rock what have got the hump just because your IT consultancy made them go bust. Old ‘arry n the boys will sort out any trouble easy,just say the word. And we can sort the Toyota bloke whats moaning about your software makin all his cars crash cos we are international now. Just did a geezer in Dubai n fitted up Mossad—-tidy job, no worries. So we can do the security in your Slagheap knockin shop as well as Urban Erics in Oz.
I say old bean, you’ve rather lost it on the old bureaucracy, what? I introduce you to my various interests not just because of our little arrangement but because you IT chaps are supposed to be logical. Bureaucracy is good for the economy but you dont seem to get it. Let me explain.
For example take my role in a few quangos ; well about twenty really. Now the chaps involved in directing these are all old pals from school, whitehall or my boards.Good thing about that is we don’t waste time having debates or discussions we just get on making as many rules and regulations as we can. Then when we pass them to the authorities they have to hire lots of jobsworths to box tick. First benefit—keeps the working class happy. The returns for me personally seem pretty meagre; only £30k pa from each quango and for that I’m expected to put in a full half day every 3 months! But then comes the second benefit. Because of all our regulations we need to hire lots of consultants like you to do more stuff and check the stuff other people are doing. Second benefit—–lots of taxpayers cash for consultants and a nice “introductory fee” for me. Everybody wins! The working man , you and me .Best of all the PM and chancellor say this is good for the economy so we are saving the country too! Your problem may be your concern about your business. Open your mind old boy to this virtuous circle—–pretty soon no-one will have to bother about grubby old business at all and we can all live off one another and prosper!
Dear Old fart
I really dont know what your problem is . My government has worked dilligently for the last 15 years to create rules and regulations that would ensure there were plenty of jobs in the civil service so that as we destroyed the manufacturing sector there was plenty for people to do each day . Our policies were clearly the right ones as we have only 3m unumployed and these were the ones who could not adapt to the new economy . People like Urban Eric who writes on this blog
As you know we have a new policy of getting rid of people like Eric which involves resettling them down under . In turn we then replace them with immigrants who we have found like our approach to providing themn with a cushy life and loads of government provided benefits . My suggestion is that if you dont like our approach then go and join Eric down under . But beware the crocs and the shielas !!!
Yours Andy Pandy
Dear Old fart
I really dont know what your problem is . My government has worked dilligently for the last 15 years to create rules and regulations that would ensure there were plenty of jobs in the civil service so that as we destroyed the manufacturing sector there was plenty for people to do each day . Our policies were clearly the right ones as we have only 3m unumployed and these were the ones who could not adapt to the new economy . People like Urban Eric who writes on this blog
As you know we have a new policy of getting rid of people like Eric which involves resettling them down under . In turn we then replace them with immigrants who we have found like our approach to providing themn with a cushy life and loads of government provided benefits . My suggestion is that if you dont like our approach then go and join Eric down under . But beware the crocs and the shielas !!!
Yours Andy Pandy