Family party was great on Sunday but we are exhausted. Too much to do. And today we have a coachload of WI women for tea from Mrs Old Fart’s former lodge. Think I will pretend to be the gardener.
Don’t knnow if you have been following the story of the youngsters encouraged by their parents to cycle to school as it would give them greater freedom and responsibility reported to social services for putting them in danger. Just the latest example of the cotton wool society wants us to wrap our children in. No wonder they grow up incapable of doing anything for themselves. At the age of 8 it was my task to look after my sister who was 6 when we walked a mile to school each day in open countryside. Nothing bad ever happened to us. Also from about this age I used to roam with my friends for miles across common land and get into all sorts of scrapes but the worst thing we got up to was a bit of scrumping.
Still I was so pleased to see that plain John Prescott has been made Baron Prescott of Kingston upon Hull. Great to see achievement and talent so richly rewarded. Not a trace of hypocracy as two jags takes his rightful place in society.
Dear Old Fart
As President of the WI in the Uk I was most concerned to read that you are entertaining a number of our members at your manor house. Of course we would normally encourage this show of friendship which is a hallmark of our organisation but you wil understand my concerns
1 I understand that you are involved in the porno movie industry . Many of our members have stared in these movies in their younger days and now , in their later years , really dont need to be reminded of the fun that they had as it is detrimental to heart conditions .
2 I read that you often engage the services of ‘Arry the Axe and his security firm . These people have a dreadful reputation ( as confirmed by Reverend Mary in your last blog entry) and I fear for the wellbeing of my members who are risking mass rape and pillaging if Arry’s men are present
3 On your blog I have noticed that there are some very unsavoury goings on at your gate house involving Penelope . Unfortunately she is a prominant member of the WI in Slagheap and I really dont want other members knowing of her antics as otherwise there will be a riot with other members seeking ‘ a bit of the action’
4 Your record on wild life preservation leaves a lot to be desired . As the WI is very keen to help with all wildlife matters I would not want our members to become aware of the destruction that you have reeked on parrots, owls and bees in your manor house . Please do keep your remarks on this subject very discreet as many of our members have very strong feelings and are likely to cause problems for ‘Arrys men if your actions become publc knowledge
So old Fart please be aware that the local council ae taking an interest in the visit by my members . Mr K . Bab who is the Officer responsible for Feminine Equality and Harressment Eradication will be in contact with you and will no doubt be able to advise you as to how to ensure a safe and trouble free visit for my members
Yours in desperation
Dame Bridget
Darling,
I was admiring you and your family from a far at the weekend, seemed such a happy gathering and as my mind wandered I had thoughts of you and I playing happy families! Your rugged chisled good looks, your sturdy healthy body, your never ending knowledge of worldly matters and I.T, mixed with my sophisticated genes my statuesk features and my renouned acting ability…..our family would be everything this country needs………oh darling lets make babies…..come to the gatehouse and you can pretend you’re my gardener!
Love Pen X
‘ere son hope the party finished as good as wot it started. Beltin do me ‘n the boys thought. Sent me invoice to yer dodgy accountant in Cayman like wot I does usual. Less a bit ‘cos me ‘n the boys knocked off a bit early. Bit of a bummer though. Seems we misunderstood yer Vic Rev Mary Flip Flop when she invited us back for vespers and communion. Kneecap Kev said it wos theological code. But it wos just singin ‘ n crap wine not free scooters and leg over like wot we thought.
Party seemed all right though——stylish idea if yours to turn that borin old Elizabethan dining room into Slagheaps first pole dancing venue. Real classy—–and isn’t the missis a natural!
Dear Mr Oldfart I am the branch secretary of the Scientific and Manual Union of Technicians ( SMUT) and represent the employees in your” adult” film studios. As we have pointed out before work conditions are poor and the pay of minimum wage plus a few seasonal free vegetables an insult. The amount of work demanded by you is unreasonable , although admittedly when you had the East European rent boys it did compensate in the eyes of some of my more” flexible ” members. But I now have wind of you busing in a load of new talent under the guise of a “Womans Institute outing”. I’m warning you now that if this turns out to be another load of slappers , desperate for attention and prepared to do anything on or off film, I will take action. My members have already got enough of that with the old tart down the drive.Remember, this union is supported by none other than John Prescott: known for his selfless protection of the working man and for seeking out and eliminating privilege wherever he finds it.